i realise its been so long since i've wanted something really badly. something that you have to fight for, something to work hard towards, something that will make cry over it. and i keep thinking about that recently because i've been watching sytycd. and i see how badly they want it, how hard they work, the tears that come when they make it. and i remember so many so many things just similar to that.

gym trials. god they had to be the worst few hours of my life ever. fighting among your teammates for that position in the team. to compete. it took me 3 half years to get to the trampoline, to the podium. and all the injuries you can think of. but i will never swap it for anything. it was the hard work behind it, the fact that you had to fight for it, all the growing-up i did along the way, with mel and ziying. that made it so bloody fantastic. a div could never compare. it never felt like a team. we all never worked for it. i spent more time at rgs reminiscing with my juniors than at rj gym.

and dance auditions. with everyone above e hall looking on. there were so many ppl who auditioned that year. it was insane. but it was so good to get through. to be picked. to be a dancer. and then item auditions. where hide scared the shite out of me. but all i wanted to do was latin. and dance nights. enchainment, amarante. i miss being in an environment where ppl understood. they got it. they understood why the pain was worth it, why we worked so hard, why nothing else mattered. when you're on that stage, its the most glorious feeling ever. and i don't know how to explain it to others. it just is. and i want that so bad again.

i think i've made my choice about next year.